Culture and Responsibility

In one of my last classes an exercise was proposed that would allow us to experientially participate in our own healing, and in that of our partner. With the pronouncement that cognition, or understanding the source of our pain wasn’t enough, our instructor said that the purpose of this exercise was to create a lived experience, both emotionally and physically, in order for healing to take place.

We could choose to be either “mother” or “child”. I chose to be the “mother”, as this is a role I am more familiar with being the oldest girl in my family with nine younger siblings. All “mothers” were to gather in another room for instructions. We were told that we had three children and a husband who was upset about losing his job. We were therefore to be visibly hostile toward the baby, with an attitude of not wanting it. For many of us this was very difficult to hear, and I felt afraid for the babies. The instructor’s response to our outrage was to say that the intention of the exercise was healing. I felt I had no choice but to go along with it.

I sat down next to an older man who had been instructed to lie helpless—only being able to move his head slightly left or right—an infant of about two to three weeks of age. I didn’t look at him, and projected anger, which was easy to do since I didn’t like how the exercise was set up. I focused on the baby who was lying there so helpless and terrified. At some point it was announced that we were now “good-enough” mothers and could hold the baby and give it love with our eyes. That was such a release for me as I rushed to make up for what I had done. My baby was so responsive and receiving of the love. I stroked him and held him, looking adoringly at him, and he was so happy.

After the exercise, I wanted to be alone and went to my room to think about it. I was still very upset, and I finally realized why. I felt I had been betrayed by the school, by the teachers and was at first angry with them. Then I got angry with myself for allowing it to happen. I had betrayed myself, and my principles by going along with the exercise and the subsequent deception and betrayal of the baby.

I thought about times when I just went along with what an authority figure told me. “It’s for the best. It’s for the good of the whole. It will be healing for you in the long-run.” Abdicating my own responsibility and leaving the decision to others, I notice makes me angry and resentful. I still make the same mistake though—like when I accepted my role as “angry mother” and knowingly hurt that poor “baby” in the name of healing. However, I have not given up on learning or changing. I am not interested in blaming someone else, or the “establishment”. I am willing to take responsibility for my own actions and the resulting betrayals as well as successes. And I am committed to self-care, acknowledging that I would speak with my instructor about this experience and register my feelings in the situation.

Afterwards, I told my friend and she said . . . “but . . .” and went on to explain how it had impacted her. It was an exercise in the schizoid characterology after all, meant to uncover those early fears and rejections. She said that since I don’t have an overabundance of schizoid issues I should go along with it for the sake of the others who do. This sounded like more of the same to me—let someone else decide what I needed. I said again, that’s why I decided to look at it as an anger/betrayal issue, especially of myself. This was what I needed to learn from it.

What would I do the next time, I thought? I decided that I might even do the exercise, but I would do it with my own permission, and not just follow blindly. The whole point of the exercise was to create a “felt experience” in a safe environment in order to allow one’s self to let go of the mind’s hold on past wounds and events by actually feeling them and then bringing them into the present. This was something that I believed in, and by taking responsibility for my actions, I would experience exactly what I needed for this to happen.