The angels told me this morning: “Your actions have consequences.”
I had been thinking of something that happened the day before. I had to do something that I had agreed upon and yet I was tired and grumpy. So I got angry. I didn’t show it externally. I didn’t express it physically. But I knew I was angry and I immediately regretted it.
Actually, I did more than regret it—I felt guilty about it. Then there was the self-talk: “How can you deserve this relationship when you’re so bad? Anne, you are so selfish.” Fortunately I’m getting more aware of self-judgment, so I sat with it yesterday—this anger and my reaction to it.
When the angels told me this morning that my actions have consequences it all fell into place. When I get angry and take it out on another there are consequences I can take responsibility for—or not. When I blame myself, I’m not taking responsibility. I’m either judging myself, or expecting you to punish me—withdraw your love or shame me. Either way digs me a deeper hole.
When I was young and went to Confession my most common sin was: “I got angry at my mother four times.” I was always angry at my mother. Today I thought: Wow, wouldn’t it have been wonderful if the priest had responded: “And for your penance go talk to your mother about how you feel.” Instead he said: “Say two Hail Marys and one Our Father.” Afterwards I was still angry at my mom.