The angels
told me this morning: “Your actions have consequences.”
I had
been thinking of something that happened the day before. I had to do something
that I had agreed upon and yet I was tired and grumpy. So I got angry. I didn’t
show it externally. I didn’t express it physically. But I knew I was angry and
I immediately regretted it.
Actually,
I did more than regret it—I felt guilty about it. Then there was the self-talk:
“How can you deserve this relationship when you’re so bad? Anne, you are so
selfish.” Fortunately I’m getting more aware of self-judgment, so I sat with it
yesterday—this anger and my reaction to it.
When
the angels told me this morning that my actions have consequences it all fell
into place. When I get angry and take it out on another there are consequences
I can take responsibility for—or not. When I blame myself, I’m not taking
responsibility. I’m either judging myself, or expecting you to punish me—withdraw
your love or shame me. Either way digs me a deeper hole.
When I
was young and went to Confession my most common sin was: “I got angry at my
mother four times.” I was always angry at my mother. Today I thought: Wow,
wouldn’t it have been wonderful if the priest had responded: “And for your
penance go talk to your mother about how you feel.” Instead he said: “Say two
Hail Marys and one Our Father.” Afterwards I was still angry at my mom.
