Wednesday, May 14, 2014

Being Seen

I have always had a problem with being seen. In my family being seen meant performing, being perfect, getting it right, being in control. Who I was when I allowed myself to be seen was not perfect, was not right, was out of control. 

The twist in my familial beliefs was that I never felt I belonged; I was never good enough. I had the courage to charge ahead, to meet obstacles head-on, to challenge myself, and my limitations, with a passion to get it right, to become worthy—and it never happened. Since I was never worthy, since I was never perfect, I never wanted to be seen.

Brene Brown, researcher and storyteller, says that connection gives purpose to our lives, and that to have connection one must be seen. She says that shame comes from a fear of being disconnected—to be connected one must believe that he or she is worthy.

I was talking to my daughter about God. She told me that she believes that God is the connection, the interconnection between us all. That would mean that all are worthy of connection. I’ve always felt that in the connection is the creativity. In every relationship is the opportunity, the potential for growth, for belonging, for creating something bigger than one’s Self.

Yet this connection, this creativity, this Divinity comes about wholly, sacredly, when we allow ourselves to be vulnerable, open to receive, to be seen for who we are in our glorious imperfections. This connection comes, as Brene Brown goes on to say, with a willingness that has no guarantees, no expectations or predictions.

So, today I am practicing being vulnerable to myself, being open to my whole heart and soul—no shoulds, or have tos, no numbing or pretending. Today I am practicing breathing in others and breathing out me. Today I am practicing being seen.

“The idea of practicing love is deeply appealing to me, because built right in is an acceptance of imperfection. There is an acknowledgment to myself that I am going to mess this up, an understanding that there is room to grow. Each of my failures just affirms the truth that we are all starting over and rising again.” 
 Anna White, Mended: Thoughts on Life, Love, and Leaps of Faith

Rocky: I dunno, she's got gaps, I got gaps, together we fill gaps.

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